confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
You Might Also Like
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Thursday
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.