confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.