Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
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[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?