@DancesWithTamis

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

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@farleftcoast

Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.

@ArfMeasures

INTERVIEWER: When did u last work?

ME [shrugs] Months ago

INTERVIEWER: That’s a long time not to be employed

ME: Oh no I’m still employed

@Crutnacker

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

@NoogsCorner

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@3sunzzz

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

@copymama

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

@Book_Krazy

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this