Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle