Whenever anyone quotes the Bible to me I quote Harry Potter to them because I too love a good magical fiction book.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
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INTERVIEWER: When did u last work?
ME [shrugs] Months ago
INTERVIEWER: That’s a long time not to be employed
ME: Oh no I’m still employed
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this