Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.