@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

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@ArfMeasures

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

@RedRegenerated

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

@DancesWithTamis

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

@SandwichGhoul

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

@LostCatDog

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

@mrjohndarby

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

@psybermonkey

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

@TheAndrewNadeau

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

@dshack8

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.