MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see?
ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
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me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you,
Is….Is this an option?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Therapist: They don’t
*Stubs cigarette out in palm to look tough*
*waits till everyone leaves*
*takes out cell phone*
Please send all your ambulances
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.