@viadear

Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.

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@CulturedRuffian

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

@Darlainky

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

@rickygervais

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

@brennadine

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

@abbycohenwl

-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim

@RunOldMan

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

@JustinGuarini

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

@OreoSpeedwagon_

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear