1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear