Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?