“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
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Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Plumber: I think I found the problem
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist