WORK TIP: If a coworker doesn’t answer your email in the first five minutes, show initiative by sending a follow up email saying, “What’s your problem?”
Congrats on getting divorced while you’re still hot.
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
is this your first day on the internet?
men are men, women are men, and children are cops…
Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
HER: If you could have any pet—
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—