It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Catercrombie & Fish
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
my dad has had enough
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?