Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat