Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
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I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”