Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
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Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?
Me: who telled you?
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.
Don’t say their name during sex. Just keep saying “oh God”.
You’ll be safe.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.