Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
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Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
The Onion called it…again.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.