@YoungNobler

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

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@Michael_Erhart

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

@Gupton68

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

@yassinovic89

Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?

@onion_an

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

@knot_eye

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

@karanbirtinna

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

@juliussharpe

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

@sweet_an_sexy26

Don’t say their name during sex. Just keep saying “oh God”.

You’ll be safe.

@smiles_and_nods

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.