Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Bruh PLEASE
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back