Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.

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If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up


Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?


Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.


Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.


What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!


Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no


“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him


Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.


This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.


I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.