@TheHeartlessBoy

Congrats to Lindsay Lohan for successfully portraying what happens to mean girls after high school.

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@diarrhea

i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

@AlexvanBeek

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

@iLikeCatShirts

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

@ahhhhron

OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl

@nachosarah

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

@Browtweaten

*Game Character Treatment Center*

Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here

Pac-Man: Binge eating

Lara Croft: Kleptomania

Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

@DomBorrett

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate