A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
you gotta be faster
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I am crying
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”