Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
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[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch