Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ArfMeasures

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

@hashtag_dta

oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years

@ddsmidt

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

@MatCro

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

@EllaZee5

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

@eileencurtright

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

@CrockettForReal

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

@Robert_Beau

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

@Bob_Janke

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

@BoomBoomBetty

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.