I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane