Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
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“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I found your tweet-up…
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?