ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
selena gomez
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…