[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
You Might Also Like
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else鈥檚 pants??
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 馃槶
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 馃
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?