@UnFitz

Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.

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@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@fuckthem00n

your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems

aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon

@david8hughes

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

@ellewasamistake

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

@nickthune

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

@AnkCoupleTO

[estate planning]

Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone

@PFPTMillsy

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

@Muath_tu

Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.

@TheClifBob

Doors
– Designed to stop people
– Can be opened by people