Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
This was a bad idea all around
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .