Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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Werent we promised soylent green by now?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I had to Stop for this
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
True
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.