Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
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“Happy birthday! ”
– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?
“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”
Coworker: Guess what day it is?
CW: Guess what day it is?
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Has anyone ever pissed you off so much that you just want to strangle them but then you realize you were overreacting so you calm down after 2 or 3 decades
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: I’m just going to live here
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though