Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
You Might Also Like
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn