One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
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I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.