Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
You Might Also Like
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.