It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

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All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.


How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?




NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.


This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I’m pretending to add it to my contacts


If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object


I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards


To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.


Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.


Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*