All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
It has been
2?4? 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
WHY THE HELL NOT
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I’m pretending to add it to my contacts
If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*