It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

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Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.


Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.


A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.


“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.


I would hunt for my own food, but I don’t think Mac and cheese roam in packs.


Don’t you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?


From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”


One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.


*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.


*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP