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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude