[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
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Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Rambo Rambow
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.