Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
You Might Also Like
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.