@bornmiserable

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

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@1KelliBelle

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

@heatherlou_

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

@ieatanddrink

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

@sad_jake

Me: OK bedtime
Mind: Hey let’s think about stuff
Me: No, sleep
Mind: OK here are some horrible memories you want to forget
Me: FUUUUUUUCK

@E_lok44

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

@ValeeGrrl

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

@KenJennings

If you’re American & I ever hear you use the word “whilst,” this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.