Polite kitties have good etiquecat
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Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.