@TheBeerGuy_

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

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@anerdonfire2

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

@Divergentmama

If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.

@_oculusmundi

Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.

@Contwixt

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

@SlimSinclair

When people ask me if I want to hold their baby, I just say “not sure if Im legally allowed to”. Then they leave me alone & Im happy again.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

@MrGeorgeWallace

I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.

@SondraDeeMe

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

@recursivetaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!