*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls


If my life is going to continually be this much of a disaster, I’m gonna need the Rock to make an appearance at some point.


Friend told me she’s never quite sure if I am joking. Told her, neither am I.


Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.


When people ask me if I want to hold their baby, I just say “not sure if Im legally allowed to”. Then they leave me alone & Im happy again.


“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”


I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.


Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.


Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!