@kingsleyyy

Conservatives after a mass shooting: “You can’t take our guns!”

Conservatives after a police shooting: “But he had a gun!”

I’m confused.

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@nyquills

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

@ninjabaconpizza

My wife saw someone kill horses in Minecraft and she is making me build a Minecraft memorial for dead Minecraft animals.

@LaBelleMae

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

@gorrdano

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

@timdonakowski

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

@famouscrab

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

@HeyoShellz

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

@TheBoydP

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”