boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Conservatives after a mass shooting: “You can’t take our guns!”
Conservatives after a police shooting: “But he had a gun!”
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this FaceApp is creepy af
My wife saw someone kill horses in Minecraft and she is making me build a Minecraft memorial for dead Minecraft animals.
Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”