@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

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@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

@dog_feelings

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

@AndyAsAdjective

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

@Scorpio1080

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

@FU_TangClan

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

@Shade510

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

@OctopusCaveman

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

@Darlainky

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

@SuperApple8

All I want in life is to be cool enough to cut up slices of an apple and eat them directly from the knife.

@Makola_Bohlatse

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?