Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
marvel comics have peaked
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?