Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
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[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
So true for me
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Dishonest mechanic?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.