“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy’s (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast
I’m not afraid to admit that I’m not the sharpest elevator in the sea.
this is how life feels
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad