Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
You know I’m something of a chef myself