@Phook75

Considering we’ve produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I’m more surprised other countries haven’t built a wall around the U.S.

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@notviking

DR: i’m afraid you’re sterile
ME: yeah i just washed my hands
DR: no…you can’t have kids
ME: right. men can’t get pregnant
DR: you’ll never be able to pass down your genes
ME: that’s okay. when i finally have a son i’ll just buy him his own pair

@AristotlesNZ

We’ll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We’ll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.

@clichedout

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

@UnFitz

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

@bitterlittleman

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

@Sickayduh

ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.

HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

@Samzen_

All girls love surprises. I didn’t know putting a snake in her handbag was wrong. We can’t understand women.

@bylinetd

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

@Book_Krazy

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone