What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”