@Terdoh

Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

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@mean_crow

“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”

@bouncingblonde

Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?

@Darlainky

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

@PaperWash

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

@DurtMcHurtt

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

@AbbieEvansXO

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

@Crunk_Jews

Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

@BuckyIsotope

Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line

@50NerdsofGrey

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

@sock_holliday

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*