Considering what Bruce Wayne and Tony Stark did with their wealth, Bill Gates should be ashamed of himself.

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“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”


Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?


(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.


A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.


Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.


DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now


Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.


Everyone dies of *something*. For example, this man is about to die from buying the last box of Thin Mints in front of me in the cookie line


His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’



Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*