[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

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Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.


Never underestimate a well placed “that’s what she said”. Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.


‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics


“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant


My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.


A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.


USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*