@better_off_dad2
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
@copymama
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
You Might Also Like
@better_off_dad2
@cbdoubleu
Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.
@Showerldea
Technically, all national anthems are country music.
@ThisOneSayz
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
@VerifiedDrunk
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
@lynnbixenspan
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
@JimmerThatisAll
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
@ArfMeasures
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
@SteveSuckington
ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
@RodLacroix
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is