‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.
Technically, all national anthems are country music.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is