@copymama

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

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@cbdoubleu

Sorry I burnt your degree from the University of Phoenix thinking that a better degree would rise from its ashes.

@ThisOneSayz

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

@VerifiedDrunk

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

@JimmerThatisAll

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

@ArfMeasures

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

@SteveSuckington

ME: will it hurt?

DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?

ME: omg no!

DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering

@RodLacroix

One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is