@UnFitz
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
@copymama
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
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@UnFitz
@kwirkyKerri
Never underestimate a well placed “that’s what she said”. Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.
@mack44_d
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
@sageboggs
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
@IHLaking
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
@daddydoubts
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
@DurtMcHurtt
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
@TommyRainmaker
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
@bearcub577
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
@WhirledRecord
USA: “Hey, Canada, can you hold this for a second?”
Canada: “OK.”
*USA hands Detroit to Canada*
*USA quickly walks away.*