her: i like a guy who takes his time
me (seductively): i wore diapers until 5th grade
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.
Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.