@AComicTragedy

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

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@realbjdunne

her: i like a guy who takes his time

me (seductively): i wore diapers until 5th grade

@WildeThingy

It’s not that I think I’m out of your league.

Its more that I’m not even sure we’re playing the same sport.

@smerobin

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

@KeetPotato

Surely there’s a 3rd option. Can’t i just walk home? That can’t be my only two choices? Ride or DIE? Seems a bit extreme.

@kimtopher22

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

@jessokfine

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

@Cpin42

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.