[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Growing up was a huge mistake