@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

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@Adam14

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

@CulturedRuffian

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

@lecalabara

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

@jonnysun

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

@thatdutchperson

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

@RonnieLauth

Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”

I love New Yorkers.

@HatfieldAnne

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

@SortaBad

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

@cranny_boy

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.