Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap