I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
You Might Also Like
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Overheard at a museum cafe:
“What kind of coffee do you have?”
“Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.”
“Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?”
“Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.”
I love New Yorkers.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.