*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

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Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome


My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.


I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me


[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah


funny when u get charged by a cash machine to get ur own cash out but then it tells u to cover ur pin to prevent getting robbed.


Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”


HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”


Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Piglet: What?
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then