[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Shower sex be like:
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child