@TheBoydP

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

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@ArfMeasures

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

@bornmiserable

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

@nachdermas

ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
DATE: what
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME:
DATE:
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.

@SteveSuckington

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

@SocialustGal13

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.

@iamspacegirl

*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*

@lawyerthoughts

Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.