Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
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ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
ME: what’s an owl’s favorite band
ME: the Byrds lmao
DATE: … wait why wouldn’t it be the Who
ME: i like you, charlotte. this was nice. but i think i’d like to go home now.
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.
*gently carrying a burrito in my mouth like a mother cat with her kitten*
Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.