I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine
FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
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My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.
– Why my mystery novel failed
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Yes, I’d like to return this pizza
“is there a problem, sir?”
*opens box* ITS GOT NO TOPPINGS ON
“sir, you’ve opened the box upside-down”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me