construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
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My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Basketball