@KandyKoehn

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

- @KandyKoehn

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Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

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Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

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@TragicAllyHere

[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]

*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”

@thedad

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

@ClichedOut

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed