Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!