Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
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One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Was it something I said?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.