Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
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Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My typo game is string.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down