@ThisLocalHater

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

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@panmidwest

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

@squirrel74wkgn

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

@GrowlyGrego

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

@mattZillaaaa

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

@KevinFarzad

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

@vikkaroni

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

@pmclellan

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

@Mikecanrant

There is absolutely nothing wrong with yelling “I HAVE THE POWEEER!” like He-Man after cooking an omelette that doesnt stick to the pan.